There is nothing more irritating and at the same time heartbreaking than working on a really big puzzle, ala 3000+ piece, painstakingly fitting loops to sockets, innies to outties, keys to locks, or whatever you want to call them, to discover in the end… there’s a missing piece. You look around intently until you resign yourself to the fact, either the dog ate it (common in the Johnson household) or it’s lost in space. You have an image before your eyes but you can’t quite appreciate it given the gaping hole where that final piece should be. The entire project is ruined for that one missing piece.
Marriage is an intricate puzzle. A puzzle where each person brings to the table their own pieces created by God, genes, personality, temperament, family of origin, and relationship histories and the two become one. Where do the two connect? Relationship assessments such as FOCCUS, Prepare-Enrich and others show where those connections exist. Shared interests, similar views on roles, upbringing, financial outlook and such. Assessments are also designed to help couples discover the missing pieces. It is here that we must part ways with the puzzle analogy. In a relationship discovering missing pieces typically means you have to create them. Learn something new and build skills that address what’s missing. But what if the missing piece is the most crucial and one you can’t easily create it? A significant missing piece in Christian marriage ends up affecting the whole project.
“The most important element missing in marriages today is an intimate relationship with God,” said Dr. Kenneth Buckle, of Gratia Plena Counseling. “People, for a number of reasons, usually do not want to hear this,” he said. Dr. Buckle went on to explain there are several “R” words that explain why couples are hesitant to go there.
“They may be resigned to their poor spiritual life and poor marriage relationship, reluctant to do the work, rebellious and resentful, or make rationalizations about it, ‘my marriage is not as bad as my parents’.” He went on to say that couples, when they do recognize they need something, they believe fancy vacations, plastic surgery, a larger house or income will fix the problem. It’s like trying to fit an outtie piece in the puzzle where an innie is needed. Trying to fit square pegs into round holes never works.
“Couples have difficulty with intimacy with God because it may be lacking in their individual relationship with God. If a person is cut-off spiritually and psychologically from self, then it will be difficult for that person to connect intimately with God, and then difficult to live an intimate committed relationship with a spouse.” Dr. Ken said. So what can couples do to cultivate and nurture their relationship with God? Some simple steps couples can take include renewing their commitment to Sunday mass, and the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Preparing for Sunday liturgy by reading the Scripture passages and a small reflection or commentary on the readings. Learning to connect once again to God individually and as a couple are definitely key.
"The Stella Maris Island Retreat featuring 'Living Covenant' has helped couples from 3 months to over 50 years married find that missing piece," said retreat leaders Joe & Cinda DeVet. "Yes, many of the retreatants know God already, but on the retreat they have found a deeper knowledge and love of God, and found it together. It empowers them tolivetheircovenantof Matrimony day to day, with more joy and satisfaction," the DeVets said. Activities that help us nurture and cultivate our relationship with God,open us up to the miraculous in our marriages. Our good Creator God, who is Father God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, certainly has the power to fill the spot, and reveal to us what the picture puzzle of marriage looks like when truly complete.