By Tere Johnson, MA PS, CMF
Stella Maris Center 
As family and marriage ministers and educators, we hear about it all the time, the dreaded “drift” that occurs to married couples once routine and life settle in. Couples on the brink of divorce or separation often justify their decision to head to Splitsville by saying things like… “we just drifted apart, ”  so learning ways to address this issue is paramount.

For the uninitiated, “drift” is an alarming phenomenon because of its role in what social scientists refer to as “low conflict” divorces. The majority of divorces in the United States are in this category.[1]  Drift, is an especially insidious thing when you realize one of the primary ends of marriage is unity.  The end result of unaddressed “drift,” division and separation, is antithetical to what marriage is all about, yet it happens, often without couples realizing it until it has taken a serious toll on their marriages.

The first thing to know about “drift” is that it happens to some degree to all couples.  For some couples with deep levels of commitment, appreciation, and understanding of the demands of Catholic/Christian marriage, the drift, may be minimal. In these cases either husband or wife, or both may distance for short periods of time, but routinely bounce back.  The marriage itself is the tether or the anchor that minimizes the drift. For other couples who may take their cues about what marriage is from popular culture, divorced family members or friends, drifting apart may seem like a normal thing and divorce inevitable.    
Regardless of where they take their cues from, faith or culture, married couples need to address this tendency to drift apart because of its negative potential to completely destroy their marriage bond.

“To reverse drifting apart,” says Dr. Kenneth Buckle, of Gratia Plena Counseling, “a couple would need to be aware and admit that it is happening, then have a strong motivation to reverse it. They would need to investigate options sometimes getting the assistance from others, and then make a plan.”
Dr. Buckle says putting the plan into motion requires taking those actions steps over a significant period of time, thus creating new habits in which the couple habitually nurtures their relationship.  
“The best news is that God wants them to do this and will support them if they call upon Him. Part of this process may be to connect with God and self, sometimes for the first time ever,” he said.   “Marriage has the potential to be the “therapy” for what ails us,” Dr. Buckle concluded.

While special events, like retreats are not by themselves the answer to marital drift, these can play a significant part in kick starting a couple’s thoughtful and conscientious response to it.   Retreats, along with regular date nights, and daily check-ins can help couples experience the drift in reverse, drifting back to the beloved, and becoming a better and stronger couple than ever before.
 Stella Maris Center is presenting its Island Retreat for Married Couples on April 10-11, 2021 at a beautiful beachfront hotel on Galveston Island.  The Stella Maris Island Retreat will feature: Living Covenant in a Contract World at this retreat.  Register Now or get more information HERE.